‘We’re trying to help you.’ The nurses shout at 2am, trying to restrain the crying woman.
Another night in the mad house.
Literally.
This was me 12 months today. I couldn’t promise to health professionals, that I could keep myself safe anymore.
I lay on the mental hospital bed wondering, how did I get here.
My brain had given up on me. I had reached a place that I was too tired to leave. I had shut down and just like a computer I had to be rebooted, every appliance added one at a time. But I just wanted to stay switched off.
Mental health is such a strange and complex matter to us humans. We break our leg, we see the sympathy people have for us. Family and friends make us rest up. Physical health it’s there right in front of us, for everyone to see. Mental issues are slient. If we raise issues, people think we are being hypochondriacs, we are making it up, its an easy ‘out’. I have seen this first hand, when working somewhere very physically demanding. I was absent from work and my first day back was met with negative and unsupportive comments. The lovely spa director announced in front of a room full of colleagues, ‘Well you being off with stress has now caused everyone to be stressed!!’ …a comment I will never forget and a perfect example of the ignorance to mental health.
My mental health changed very dramatically after a stressful pregnancy which brought on heavy bleeds, and an early birth of my second baby. Without going into too much detail, from that moment on I was declining, spiraling. My divine love for my new baby and little girl kept me stable enough to exist. Left undetected and let down by health professionals the darkness was starting to spread. Being told constantly I was just ‘tired’. Eventually after a trip to the doctors about my little one, an angel doctor recognized something in me that wasn’t right. After suffering from post natal depression herself she knew exactly what was wrong, but in a beautiful delicate way she asked if she could call me in a couple of days to check in with me. From that moment with her support I started to open up and ask for help. Unfortunately not all help was positive and the darkness had taken quite a hold by then. Which lead to the moment this time last year, where the only way out was to end this life of mine to be free of the pain.
Hospital.
At first frightening but I soon realized a place for lost souls. The only way was to succumb to the situation and just be. As the staff looked after your basic needs, you had to find that place within that small dim light that was still flickering, find it protect it and don’t let it go out.
With the overwhelming amount of support flooding my little room and my mind, after a week I was allowed to leave to re-join the world. At first frightening but with the continued support of not only close friends and family, but health professionals too, I was managing.
Slowly as the computer started to reboot (my brain) some applications didn’t seem to be reinstalled. I believe for the better.
The things that have fallen away this year...
1.mum guilt for having ‘me’ time. I now call this ‘protect & recover’ and it’s essential.
2.What others think of me, or trying to people please. When you think you are at the end of the road, you realize that, you will NEVER be able to do everything & be everything to everyone. But what you can do is look after yourself, and that will radiate out to all that are around you. The things you do for others will come from a much more fulfilling place.
3.I don’t have any expectations of anyone. This is not in a negative way, far from it. Meditation has taught me to love unconditionally. I don’t expect anything from anyone, then if someone does something nice, it’s a bonus.
4.live and let go. No worries. Be kinder to yourself, shit happens you wish you could change. But regrets are just part of being alive. We will never make the right choice every time. We are not perfect. We are human not a mythical creature of perfection. But we can forgive ourselves and let go. When you let go and forgive yourself, life becomes easier.
5.Affirmations. I tell myself good things everyday. ‘I am a good person, I love myself, I am so special, I am so glad that I am me’ whatever it is you need to hear tell yourself that, everyday!
I’m not saying I have it all figured out... far far from it. These are just a few simple things I wanted to share that seemed to have changed my way as a human. Little mini achievements I like to think. As I continue on with the help of my support network. My main piece of advice I would like to share with anyone who is suffering mentally. Is to please reach out, reach out to family or friends or colleagues. If this isn’t possible reach out to the crisis team, they are a 24/7 service and will call out to see you that same day. Contact details… 01642 838300 Also if any local (Middlesbrough, North East) mums or parents are struggling. I have created a forum where you can reach out for support from other mama bears, via my business page…. https://www.theretreatmarske.co.uk/real-life-mama-social Or via Instagram Real_Life _Mama_Social_ Please sign up and join us. Hopefully we can all help each other. WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER. I just want to finish the same way I started…’In a world where you can be anything, be kind.’ I promise it makes a difference. I hope by sharing my story I can save others who may be suicidal or suffering mentally, silently and lonely. Please reach out. PLEASE. Sending so much love and light to you. Faye Louise Lyth x x x